Antabuse For a New Generation

I thought it was a joke. Then I saw it in the Rite-Aid with my own two bb blues. I read the manufacturer’s warning. Still kinda think it’s a joke. Noted for being the first FDA-sanctioned diet drug to be sold over the counter, and for the highly entertaining “side effects” copy, Alli (pronounced ‘ally’) has taken the diet world by storm. Shit storm.

“It's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work,” warns the manufacturer.

Alli works by blocking the absorption of 25% of consumed fat, releasing that 25% straight into the wild, often without warning. Naturally, diet-desperate Americans are unflinchingly gobbling up the $60 bottles as quickly as pharmacists can stock them. “Not since the 1987 post- Julio Iglesias run on penicillin have we seen anything like this,” said pharmacist Bill Buttspray of the Duane Reade at First Avenue and E. 91st Street in Manhattan.

Not really. Dude’s name probably tipped you off, huh? But they are comparing it to the Cipro-hungry days of the post-9/11 anthrax scare.

The more cynical among us must wonder whether GlaxoSmithKline perhaps weighed the negative publicity they’d surely get from the graphic and hilarious warning label against Americans’ vast gullibility, and determined that if people will voluntarily walk around with barf breath, and surgically remove most of a properly functioning organ, leaving them covered with hanging, runny skin flaps (this term co-opted with permission), then what’s a little excremental explosion at the office?

“The courteous young boys on my son’s Little League team were more than happy to hold a tarp up while I stood behind it and changed my poopy pants,” said one happy customer. “The sight of dozens of tiny hands struggling to keep their grip on that tarp made me realize what a beautiful world we live in.”

Again. Totally made that up. But if you had any idea how hard I laughed when typing it, you’d forgive me for misleading you.

“They tell you to carry extra pants around with you,” she went on, “but they don’t mention the tarp. You’ll want the tarp.”

6 comments:

dr. hewmann said...

Dear Ms P-Pie,

This is my second attempt at posing this question, having been informed that Windows Explorer had experienced "some problems" and was going to shut down (and you can bet that i chose the option to send an "error report" (in no uncertain terms, i might add)).

Forging ahead, nevertheless, with my question:

Will you marry me?

Naturally, i would not expect you to assume my name even if it WAS my real name and even if i WAS a real doctor.
Which it isn't.
And i'm not.

Begging to remain

Yours truly,

dr. hewmann

Miss P-Pie said...

JUST logging off when this clicked in. Awfully glad I saw it.

Dr. Hewmann. Dear, sweet, fretful Dr. Hewmann. Would you believe this is the second marriage proposal I've gotten this month? And the other guy actual knows me and stuff.

While my regard for you is... curious, I must give you the same answer I gave him. No. But do keep asking. It blows my skirt up.

And know that your proposal prompted me to re-read the Alli post, which again made me howl. I swear, I could sit in the floor of an empty room and keep myself entertained for hours. And that's not counting the three minutes spent wanking.

I hope you have a lovely weekend, Dr. Hewmann.

~ Miss Pleasure Pie

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on the fence said...

Okay. Your little league scenario convinced me to skip this one.

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Miss P-Pie said...

Pretty mermaid-colored pills, though.