Pimiento Cheese: Manna of the Booze Gods

Went to a party the other night, and the food was delicious. Planet Thai sushi, calamari, and these pillowy little fried tofu poofs you dip into a thin but ass-kickety pepper sauce. Stellar vittles, but I didn’t get enough of ‘em. It was one of those catching-up-with-peeps-you-haven’t-seen-in-ages shindigs, and after a while, I started no-thank-you-ing the waitstaff when they’d stand next to me with the hors d’oeuvre trays, waiting for me to stop talking. Sometimes I think they head straight for the fat girl, counting on me to lighten their load.

So I got home with an open bar buzz, an empty stomach, and one thing on my mind. Pimiento cheese. Back home in the South, pimiento cheese spread was sold in tubs in the market, but I don’t remember anybody ever whippin’ any up in their kitchen. I fired up the Internets, and sat there like Otis of Mayberry, hiccupping and Googling for a pimiento cheese recipe.

What?!? It’s just cheddar, pimiento, and Hellmann’s? This can’t be. No mysterious “mom” type ingredients? Rather than enduring what’s now been ten years of pimiento cheese deprivation in NYC, I coulda been downin’ this stuff every time I get tipsy?

‘Tis true. And screw the recipes. I’ve made it two or three times over the past few days, and it works better without one. Most recipes I found call for way too much mayo, and others add salt to already salty ingredients. Just eyeball it. Shred whatever cheddary cheese you have on hand (I used white cheddar, extra sharp, and smoked gouda), then add mayonnaise and diced pimiento until it looks right. Optionals include garlic powder, Tabasco, crushed green olives, and a dash or two of chipotle sauce or liquid smoke. I’d skip the lettuce and tomato on a sandwich this subtle, but whatever blows your skirt up.

Pictured above (we’ll see if I can keep up this photo thing), I’ve dollopped some onto a warm, parbaked bretzel roll from FreshDirect. Like a soft baldy pretzel in bun form. These things are impossibly dense and moist, and the combination of flavors is a keeper. Bretzels are also good hot and slathered with honey butter, or piled with ham and Nance’s sharp mustard.

Drunkenness, optional.


dr. hewmann said...

Dear Ms P-Pie,

Will you marry me?

While this is my third attempt at posing the question (the first being snaffooed by Internet Explorer shutting down and the second by you nixing the idea), i believe i have a fresh, new approach this time which may have some appeal.

I am no longer the same person.

I am now Mr. H, have given up the Dr. thing and am now running a very successful hedge fund. This may not mean much to you as a New Yorker but let me tell you, people out here in the hinterlands have LOTS of hedges and i'm cleaning up like a MOFO!

And i still have the same lovely and charming mongrel dog.

Begging you to come to your senses, i meanwhile beg to remain,

Yours truly,

Mr. H

Miss P-Pie said...

I'm afraid I must re-nix your marriage proposal, Mr. Dr. H. But as always, thanks for asking.

Dinner isn't outta the question, though. Anything but pimiento cheese. I've kinda ODeed.

~ Ms. Pleasure Pie