Do woodland creatures really have satiny pink poons?*

I arrived an hour and a half into last night's party, and had to cool my heels in the cold for a few minutes, whilst a bikini-clad girl danced around inside a giant latex balloon, just inside the glass doors. Then the balloon popped, and I was allowed in. Just like in real life.

After inviting friend Janie to be my plus one at the opening reception for The Museum of Sex’s KINK: Geography of the Erotic Imagination, I looked up a couple of the news-to-me fetishes listed in the show’s literature. Lo and behold, one of ‘em is the love of very tall women. I knew the 6-foot-in-stockings Janie would feel at home. Adored, even.

When I saw they were admitting only those with invitations, I was all atwitter. I'd be rubbing elbows (perhaps other stuff) with the NYC creme de la kink. Only the premium pervs will be here, I thought. But when I got inside, I found the place brimming with vanillas. Packed, in fact. Too crowded for good, high quality kinkin’, I feared. (And Michael Musto was leaving as I got there, so I hoped he wasn’t taking all the fun with him.) But I got to scratch behind the ears of a fox-headed furvert, compliment a man on his giant vinyl tah-tahs, and see an ass get the bejeezus whipped out of it. My checkered past didn’t allow me to get too excited by any of this, but the exhibit, itself, did not disappoint. It was comprehensive, kinkwise, and the notoriously entertaining fetish roadmap created by Katherine Gates (curator, and author of the kink bible, Deviant Desires: Incredibly Strange Sex) was well represented.

Just like at the Meatpacking District’s sadly defunct Vault, you’re greeted at the entrance by a sign reminding you to “respect the other visitors’ boundaries.” This was no meatpacking experience, but the show (on display until October, perhaps longer) takes you through a dozen or so kinks, using gear, artwork, equipment, video, text, and in one case, a diorama. Guests are invited to photograph, touch, and smell (!) the accoutrements as they explore such derring-do as Sado-Masochism, cannibalism, feederism, wanna-wear-diapers-ism, body expansion, sploshing, ponyplay, feet and footwear… (Sounds like an elevator operator announcing the floors of a very hip department store, no?) And the last stop on the ascent? “Love.”

Got to hang with my cartoonist friend and exhibitor Ned Sonntag and his posse, and watch the mighty, mighty Janie break a speculum. Girl has superhuman upper body strength. And god knows what else.

With such sponsors as MedicalToys.com and Equus Eroticus, I was really looking forward to this swag bag. But alas, I went home with only a couple business cards, a safe sex packet, and a smile.

*Click on the critter for a more gynecological view.